Hello, My Loves!

Let’s start something beautiful. I’m so happy you’re here!

Lets get down to business. Why the blog why am I doing this and for what? The thing is why not? I, like many others, have been through a lot in my lifetime, and let me tell you, it’s not easy. However Im still here and I want to share in case Im able to help one person or even just to be able to put it in writing to re read later.

Let me tell you a story, and I tried to make a video about this but I couldnt stop crying. You know I still cant say outloud very well that my brother and sister… even here I stop. Well they have died. It seems so final I guess because it is. Well here on this human planet sense but I know I will see them again on the other side or so they say. I believe that. And it keeps me going. See the thing is we are very spiritual beings and we have it in us to understnad the other side, the signs they send, the quick “hellos” they may say and you feel but brush off. Theyre there. And I wont be convinced otherwise.

So now that we have established that, I did attempt to make a video and share, from me, how things are going now two years since my big brohter passed and 4 years since my sister passed how how the time goes by but it feels like yesterday. stragen feeling. Cant imagine how my parents feel. Part of me knows I have no choice but to live without them. Thats the reality. But another side knows I truly am living with them everyday just in a different way. I struggled with this and how much I share but the truth is death changes you. Nomatter what you do or say or even if you didnt want them to go or knew them for a day. It changes you and enters life to do just that. I think what happens next is up to us.

Its taken me a bit of stuggling and crying myself to sleep which I do let overcome me from time to time. I dont think that will ever leave but as fast as the grief comes, it also walks out and allows me to feel happy again. Im fludded with memories and laughter and even places we traceled to. Ill randomly think of a place and it shows up in a commercail on tv or Ill see their name as Im thinking about them or Ill start laughing histarically and not know why. My neighbirs probably think a=im crazy and I like it that way. See even that makes me smile. I talk to myself and laugh and pretend im talking to my sister or brother. Its a gift really. And I mean that sarcastically but also take my skill very seriously ha.

Back to my story.

When my siblings passed parts of you die too. They just do. Lets just get that out there and aknoledge that. But parts of you also come alive. Its like they have now entered my life in another way of inspiration and focus and determination I may have lacked before. And I sy may becuase Im a bad ass and they know it. just saying. I also have had many many dreams and visitations, meditation visits, signs and messages I just knew were them. This is the part im going to get vulnrable and share a dream I had of my brohter.

I explain this better in video and maybe Ill still post that but it was hard to look at myself crying and then laughing imagining my brother throwing a pillow at me for crying and my sister telling me im smearing my makeup I mean get it together! I had a dream my brother was sitting on a couch and his leg was crossed he was flipping his foot around in flip flops and arms across the back of the couch but he was talking tto someone in a chair couldnt really see them or who it was so I asked what he was doing? I walked in the room knowing he was gone yet here he is sitting on the couch in front of me very much here. He said “im going to therapy like you told me to” I woke up and instantly knew what I needed to do. I woke up still sleepy and wispered to myself ” I need to become the person my siblings needed” and that was that. The search was on to get my masters in psycology in the counceling and mental health field.

I knew it wouldnt be easy, I knew I had to find the school and start. I knew my time would be stretched way thin with 4 kids and making sure they are my number 1. How could I do this and learn the brain even more and be okay with it. what about the stories the trauma the fear? Can I handle it? Yeah I thought about it for about 4.5 seconds because its not a question but a fact of I KNOW I CAN. How do I know? Because Ive been prepping for this exact moment already. The things Ive been through, seen, felt, been through and got throguh both good and bad lead me here. To help others. And because Im not perfect and very human who makes mistakes and have mistakes happen to me as well, the growth, the healing and the understanding now holds me here.

So I did that. I started school at Liberty University and I am a year in (Aug 19th depending when I post this) And am doing it. Every moment brought me here and every moment counts. Every moment makes big waves and Im ready for it. Good orr bad I know I will do this. NOt just that, but I know I CAN do it.

The thing is we all need our people, our tribe, our people. Nobody can do life alone nobody. So Im taking this oppertunity to share, always learn, connect and open a safe space for whoever finds this to just be. We can all be imperfect together. Ina world of connecting lets actually connect. In a world full of hate, lets love. In a world full of loss, lets gather, lets always have a seat available.

I plan to share this as a journal/ blog of the good things and focus on that. Thats where you will find me. Grief exsists, the rest is there, I know. I see it. But we do not habve to live there. we can aknoledge and then release because thats where the healing starts but also ends. Im not going to pretend I wont have bad days but Ill also be excited about the good. Thats the focus. And It should be yours too. Way too much to be gratful for to not.